Teachers, siblings, peers and partners may have said or done things to reinforce our belief in our essential unworthiness. So here we sit, unhappy with our lot, but too insecure to do anything about it.
Well, it’s time for a new take on this one. After the age of eighteen or so, we cannot blame others for how we feel about ourselves. Think of it. The term ‘self-esteem’ means how we feel towards ourselves. We are in charge of that. If we have unconsciously adopted the negative views of others, it’s time to become conscious, and stop it.
A child raised in a racist environment will model the discrimination they sees. When they gets older, and their perceptions expand, they realizes racism is a narrow view and discrimination is wrong. People with low self-esteem may have been devalued in the past, but the problem is that now, essentially, they discriminate against themselves. The problem is not how they were treated in the past, it’s how they treat themselves now.
No one can remove the constricting cocoon of negativity and judgment that we have wrapped around ourselves. Others can encourage and support us, but we have to make the shift ourselves. We could be voted the most worthy, wonderful, or perfect human being in the world. We would still not have healthy self-esteem unless we made a conscious decision to value ourselves. The quivering inner self is not looking for approval from your parents, boss, friends or partner. It wants these things from you.
Ironically, when you have decided to get on your own team and support, rather than undermine yourself, then it really does not matter anymore what others think. As you raise your status in your own eyes and respect yourself more, you may find that others treat you with greater respect. Alternatively, you may come to value yourself enough, that you no longer choose to be around those who don’t.
-Gwen Randall‑Young is an author and award‑winning Psychotherapist. To obtain books, cds or MP3’s, visit www.gwen.ca
