By GWEN RANDALL‑YOUNG
Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. Anger is like a red light flashing on the dashboard. It indicates that something has upset you, hurt you or pushed a button. It is normal to feel angry sometimes. It alerts you to action that should perhaps be taken, however venting anger is a whole other thing.
If the red light is flashing on the dash, it indicates something needs attention. Most try to diagnose the problem, and consider which steps need to be taken,
Anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotions behind it are hurt or fear. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you may feel angry, but that feeling was likely preceded by a sense of shock or fear, as you suddenly had to brake to prevent an accident.
That is a normal reaction. Chasing after the driver, passing to cut him off, or riding his bumper shows the anger has turned to vengeance.
We must try to ascertain if our anger is appropriate to the situation. If we are angry because our teen would rather spend time with friends than with us, that is inappropriate anger. Sure, you might feel hurt by their choice, but getting angry lays a guilt trip and creates more tension in the relationship.
Venting anger is like hearing a smoke alarm and making it louder and louder. It does nothing to fix the problem. Venting anger or raging is an aggressive act. Often the individual expressing anger thinks he or she is simply reacting to a real or perceived injustice. They may blame the one at whom they are venting, assigning to that person’s actions the justification for the outburst.
No one can “make us” get angry. The events or behaviors of others are a stimulus, to be sure, but we, and only we, are responsible for how we respond to that stimulus. When we choose anger, we are attacking the other.
This is not helpful for a few reasons: 1) the person most likely did not intentionally set out to upset us, 2) we may have misinterpreted their intentions or motivations, 3) anger causes the other to distance from us, 4) anger generates defensiveness from the other, or a counterattack, 5) anger diminishes the level of trust between individuals.
An angry response usually means that the individual does not have more sophisticated skills for dealing with the situation. There are plenty of resources in the library, bookstores, and on the internet with strategies for communicating more effectively. If anger is your default program, its time for an upgrade.
-Gwen Randall‑Young is an author and award‑winning Psychotherapist. To obtain books, cds or MP3’s, visit www.gwen.ca
Comment on this at lmtimes.ca/gwen
-Ideas and opinions expressed here are those solely of the author.
